Today, I felt really lousy.
Yesterday there was this problem, a misunderstanding actually. And for some reason I was involved. It was like lucky draw like that. Suddenly people sms me saying that I've been insulted in public ( not public actually, more like the worldwideweb, a blog...).
So I check out that person's blog, only to find out it was true. I never expected that person to do this kind of thing. Actually, that person just wrongly accussed me. The amazing thing was, he accussed me! I wouldn't even hurt a fly man! ( don't care about the previous line, I was just messing around )
So, one of the comment really made me realise how pathetic I am to be in my situation. Of course, I wouldn't tell you guys what the comment is, but I'll tell you how I felt after reading it. After reading it, I explained to that person ( let's just call him 'X' to avoid confusion ). So, I told X that I didn't write those shit about X. But X thought I was lying. So he argued back. And, to avoid an argument, I tried to play the innocent part, which is the biggest mistake ever! Totally made X damn bloody suspicious about me.
So, I explained my current situation to another friend ( we shall call this person 'Y' ) which totally gave X a piece of Y's mind. And so X apologized to me. Everything's back to normal now, all evidence have been erased. I didn't want anyone to know about it actually, but I figured as long as you guys didn't know about what was written, it was as good as not knowing anything.
The comment, like I said, seriously pushed me into another 'road'. I finally realised how stupid I was to cling onto something that will never happen. It was more of like on the desert, wishing for it to rain. Something that I know will never happen. Frankly speaking, after hearing this comment, seriously tore me down to shreds. This was one of the main reasons why I finally muster the courage to do something I would never ever do if I have never saw the comment.
I did something personal ok? Something really private. Ask me personally if you really need to know what it is.
So, I am still sad today. Tomorrow will be my younger cousin's birthday. I just hope I'll be in the mood tomorrow for a bit of partying. Hope Ahmad gets to come, I really need someone ,who know's about my current situation, to talk to. I was suppossed to follow my siblings to my grandparent's house today, but I wasn't in the mood. I'm praying my grandparents won't get upset. Praying real hard.
Will life change for me? Am I thinking too much of myself? What am I to do? Questions that can't be answered anymore. I've lost my confidence. I've lost my morale. I've lost my hope. I've lost my trust in people. All I have left is my faith. I may not be a wonderful guy, I may not be a good-looking person, but I didn't ask to be like this. I never. It's not my fault. My friends have been trying to cheer me up by saying things like "You have a good heart," or "You are 'pure' " but, will this really change the fact that I am just not good enough.
For two days, today and yesterday. I've been trying to get all the negative things people had thought about me. And I was shocked to see so many. I didn't mean to hurt some of you in anyway. I just like to mess around. One of my friends told me "Nawfal, you suck!" directly in my face. And what did I do? I couldn't do anything...I really am pathetic...
# posted by
Nawfal Zain @ 10:54 PM
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People call me Nawfal, turning 16 this year and currently studying in PRCS
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